Confessions of a Christian Fitness Coach: Stripped Down to Airplane Mode

Sunday, 24 January 2016

I hit the space bar and the movie began rolling. I sat back nestling into the couch, swiped my thumb down on my phone screen and huffed out in annoyance as the circley thinking sign kept going round and round never finding a signal.

What is wrong with this stupid internet?

I checked my signal, everything was blinking green; checked my phone, it read full bars. As if on cue, my stomach began cramping.

URGH! Seriously?! Of course this has to happen now too.

I tossed my phone down on the other end of the couch in frustration and tried calming down by watching the movie. The ONLY thing working right now. In my heart, my emotions wrestled; flickering between frustration, pain, and sadness.

Superman was at an away game, probably taking the court. I was supposed to be at another player’s fiancĂ©e’s house watching the game, but OF COURSE, my internet wasn't working. FYI 5 hours later, it’s STILL not working. (Update: a full day later, still not working and everyone was really concerned because I wasn't responding- currently mooching on a neighbors wifi)

So there I sat; staring at a little computer screen trying to entertain myself because I had no ability to communicate to the outside world. I couldn’t tell the other women on the team I had no wifi; couldn’t ask them for directions to even get to their house; no ability to watch the game. NO ability to even GOOGLE how to fix your wifi LOL. (Because that’s TOTALLY a Courtney thought—I’ll just google it…. reaches for phone, FAIL).  Oh yea, and my stomach was hurting so I just wanted to facetime my parents; is that really too much to ask?!

But I couldn’t.

As I sat about 15 minutes into my movie, the emotions in my heart gave way to understanding.

Dang; this is not by chance, Court. This is on purpose. This doesn’t just happen; there’s a reason for it. Look for it. Find God in the mess. Find Him in this moment where life (as I know it) is ceasing to exist.

So I did just that. I began to look.

I pressed the space bar again pausing the movie; picked up my journal, my bible, my kindle and made my way to our bedroom for quiet time.

I embraced the absolute silence and inability to even stream music, a sermon or any other way I would typically try “to fill up on God” instead of just BE WITH God. I grabbed my pen, and poured out my heart. Letting him know how hard this was; how painful it is to know He had to literally put me on airplane mode in order to get my attention. How difficult the past few months have been because I’ve been distracted by work, marriage, and looking forward to my future days on this earth. I shared how I was sorry I was so mad at him two days ago because “He let me down” by moving my footsteps in a direction I didn’t want to go. I told him all the ways Josh was the biggest blessing and most tangible form of His love; and I was thankful. I encouraged him that He gave me a GOOD husband. I reminisced with him of our days past when it was just me and him. The simpler days; where my life was a true testimony to Pauls words of urging us to stay single. Looking back, I recognize how right Paul was. God and I had a good thing going; simplicity in form and joyous in nature. Our relationship was us two against the world.

And then I met Josh; and things shifted. Not for the worse, definitely for the better. Because marriage done right, Gods way, means you're stronger together. But it shifted nonetheless; and sometimes change is hard to "do" well. I shared how I had forgotten to stay on guard. To not fall prey to prioritizing my comfort and my husband over Him. How I need to be re-taught how to be me and Him against the world and then how to enjoy Josh as our “ride or die” partner  with us ;) I confessed my need to fear him, and my desire to know him. I told him how much I needed His Spirit to be strong in me; without him I'm hopeless.

We talked through it all.
We re-connected. I
t felt foreign and familiar all at the same time.
It felt refreshing and overwhelmingly heartbreaking.
It was a renewal and a death in the same breath.

With my heart written in words, I picked up my Kindle. I finally opened up to the first page of Francis + Lisa Chan’s book “Me and You: Forever”. About 2 months ago, Josh and I decided to read this together. He picked it up right away. I dug in my feet with one excuse after another. Work, too many books already to read etc etc. Eventually time wore on so far, I simply didn’t pick it up out of pride and embarrassment that I was SO far behind my husband; and what’s the point right? If we weren’t “doing” it together? The point is, God wanted my attention to be on this book. Because He desires to use it to reveal himself better to me; and my marriage will be a greater witness because of it.

Pride gone, I read. And then I kept reading. In the darkness with only the soft glow of “Christmas” lights, I began applying; scribbling notes, jotting down verses on memory cards, highlighting and making application questions to discuss with Superman when he got home.

In a matter of hours, life changed.

Internet, Instagram, followers, likes, comments, Facebook, business, sharing this or that was no longer important. I didn’t feel the instant need to broadcast my current state of existence.

I simply felt the need to worship; to learn more about God and simply sit at His feet to cast upon Him the glory He’s do.

Did you know that there are angels who’s ONLY calling and purpose for existence are to proclaim “Holy, Holy, Holy, are you Lord God Almighty?!”

Like WHAT?!

So I sat there and exercised my vocal chords. [No I don’t sing like Taya from Hillsong] but I can sing. I can sing with conviction, I can sing with power, I can sing with truth, I can sing with passion, I can sing with exaltation. I can sing and make music to my Lord. I can do so WITHOUT the tune of instruments, and without the church band. I can do it without knowing the right lyrics, and I can do it while being slightly tone-deaf. So I stripped it down, and adored my Creator.

Guys…. God wants us. He wants us to be focused on ETERNAL life. Not a future with a white picket fence, a set of kids and a hard-working husband. Those are great things, but He cares MORE about the precious moments we STOP, for pete’s sake, and simply SIT and ADORE Him. That means more to Him than scoring a Superbowl touchdown and pointing up to Heaven in front of millions of millions of viewers. It means more to Him than a confessional shoutout from Justin Bieber saying He believes in God.

God ain’t about the number of likes or followers He gets on His Insta page. He doesn’t need the big shout out in front of fans. Nope. He’s about the direct messages that nobody sees. He’s about the heart. The quiet moments hidden and tucked away where you come to grips that He knows your WHOLE heart and sees YOUR whole self; you are known; good and bad; KNOWN. He is ALL about the simple pleasures of showing you WHO he is in scripture, declaring HOW he works through prayer and BEING prioritized in worship.

Let’s find Him. Today; EVERYDAY.

Your eternity is better for it.

1 comment:

  1. Courtney - you have such a gift! Your words inspire me to be a better Christian and a better wife. Thanks for sharing so much of your heart with us!