Battle Within

Wednesday, 2 December 2015




Sometimes I forget who's winning the battle. I work from a position of defeat as if I'm the girl 15 pounds ago who lacked self-belief and mental toughness. 

No matter where your goals are and whether you've reached them or not, the battle still exists. The battle to duck back into old habits. The battle to surrender to the temptation. The battle to lose yourself in an ocean of emotion; the battle to release and backslide erasing any progress made.

Today I had this battle. I finished my 3 day cleanse. I didn't see much difference outwardly. So my emotions were raw. My husband and I had just gotten back from a game and dinner when I was tempted to eat a bunch of potato wedges (when I wasn't hungry). I caved. I went so far as to put them on the tray and into the oven. It was only then that I realized what I was doing; it was as if something else had taken control of myself and I was operating out of obedience to an old master.  Binging; when I've restricted in the past, I always binged. It was emotional. And it was rearing its ugly head. 

I couldn't think past my emotions and food had a calming affect. Awake to the trouble playing out within my soul, I called upon the Lord and asked for my will to be stronger than the power to cave. I needed to be victorious. I needed it as arsenal for every other day I will face the battle again. I NEEDED to know I can win; chains CAN be broken. I needed Jesus and I needed to overcome.

I slowly pulled out the potatoes from the oven. I stared at them; the temptation to just go ahead and eat it; to "just feel better" was nagging at me. I was tormented for several long seconds. It's not just eating potatoes. I'm not a control freak with my eating. It's more than the potatoes. It was a deeply spiritual moment of recognizing how heavily I depended on food during highly emotional moments to satisfy. I would be feeding a desire in my heart with food. Food unintended for nourishment; but intended for emotional satisfaction. 

Suddenly a fight rose up within me. Fire spread.

"No! No more!! This will not control me! I will NOT be controlled my emotions. I will NOT allow food to control my confidence + my will. I did not come this far to fail myself again. I'm different. I'm NOT that girl anymore who binges and eats her emotions. I'm not." 

I put the potatoes back into their container and into the fridge. It was not easy; every moment that passed was a minute-by-minute battle. Yet as soon as the fridge door shut, an overwhelming sense of pride surged through me. Safety; I let out a huge breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I have never won that battle before; not once; not that far tempted. But today, Today I did. Today I made a step forward. I grew as a person and as a fitness coach. I won for myself and for others coming after me.

The battle still wages. Even now the temptation to return to those enslaved ways looms. I am not clear of it yet; but I am winning. I have accountability; I have support; I have cheerleaders; and I have my God. 

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. I believe that any misuse of food should be considered an eating disorder. Why? Because if we recognize our poor relationship with food in the beginning when it's "just potatoes", we will be saved before it becomes a full-fledge disease. Before it spreads to our vision and impairs us bad enough that we can no longer find redemption from the chains.

I never realized how much of a battle I faced or how serious it was until it became my job. I am educating myself and that education is reflecting my mirror image; who I am; where my battles lie; and what temptations have tormented which I've written off as "no big deal" or "I just love cookies" or "I'm hungry". All lies; when you begin lying to yourself around your relationship to food it is being misused. 

Food is for nourishment. To fuel our bodies for GREAT things! Nothing more; nothing less. May we be comfortable asking for the truth: are you overeating out of emotions or are you under eating because of emotions?? Both need to be fixed. Both are malnourishment.

I pray we become phoenixes who rise from the ash and find our beauty within; who recognize the strength we've been sown with. Who experience small, daily victories that lead to a life of freedom. It doesn't have to control you; there is power in the name of Jesus. It is never too late to overcome. It is never too late to defeat your struggle. It is never too late to change and become someone different. 

I have a desire to do a book study + fitness challenge starting in January. We will be reading through Made to Crave by Lysander Tyrkeurst while doing a fitness program. If you have any interest in working on your relationship with food + fitness while learning how the two are dependent on Gods word, I would love to hear from you! I will only be taking on 5 women. Message me: sownwithstrength@gmail.com 

3 comments:

  1. God is the God who is greater than anything we could be going for! :)

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  2. I used to do groups like this too! I have never read "Made to Crave" but I have heard really great things about it. It's on my list of reads for 2016.

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  3. Praise the Lord that He is the one who frees us from these addictions! What a wonderful thing that he's helping you through your binging addiction! Thanks for sharing your story with us! <3

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