Tuesday Transformation: Enslaved to Freedom

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

April 12, 2012 I wrote in my journal:

My Journal Entry
"God I'm feeling like I'm drowning- I'm really frustrated with myself- I want to be freed from self-image and from the control food has on me- I want to look almost too skinny NOT almost too fat! I've been trying all these different ways I can to renew my mind but the truth is, only by the power of your spirit can this be attained. Forgive me for the idol I've made self-image. Forgive me for running to food during emotional times and worries. Convict my spirit in that time to literally drop to my knees and deliver it to you God."

At this point in my life, I was trapped in a spiritual battle with self-image and food. China had been my home for the past 9 months. I arrived to this new home in shape and happy! I had just graduated college 3 months prior, wrapping up a collegiate career in cross country and track. However, nine months and a long winter later, I was far from this girl. Instead, I found myself in a pattern of starvation and binge eating. Due to the weather, I was unable to exercise in the only way I had grown accustomed: running. The winter was long and harsh. Upset about the change in my weight, and lack of exercise, I turned to food. Binge eating became common. It felt comforting when I couldn't run. Each time I did, I would end in tears and a hot mess of frustration + pain. In response to my frustration, I would starve myself by eating just 1 corn on the cobb for lunch the next day.

My lowest point came when I attempted to "fast" from food for as many days as I could. I convinced myself this was for spiritual reasons- but the truth was clear. I was in a tormented state. I spent about 3 days without any food only drinking water. I literally had no energy. I laid for the majority of those three days in front of the TV in my little apartment watching the TV show the OC. Every now and then I would crack open my bible and attempt to seek the Lord. I had been a believer my whole life, and this was a battle I knew I couldn't win without submission to the Lord. Up until this point, I wasn't ready to release it to His hands. Then, April 12 came. I wrote in my journal entry pouring out my battle before Him. My prayer acknowledged my need for His saving grace to redeem my once healthy relationship with food and self-image.

And He did! In His unfailing love, He pulled me out of the mire and pit, to restore to me the joy of eating. It took years. It's still a process, full of learning. I'm learning what it means to be "beautiful". I'm learning what it means to love myself. I'm learning what it means to accept and appreciate the body type I've been given. It is different than some other girls who sit on the cover of magazines. But that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful!

I would describe my build as athletic. I have broad shoulders, really long arms (ask my husband- he's jealous ;), strong legs, and a tall frame. I'm not petite, or little. I'm big because I'm tall. I'm strong because I'm muscular. I'm long because I have long arms.

Because I'm tall, I can often times see over crowds from the back row.
Because I have broad shoulders, I may not fit in typical shirts- but I have power when I swim.
Because I've got long arms, I can rebound, catch, and play defense to help my husband train in the off-season.
Because I have strong muscular legs, I can out run most bad guys.
Because I have wider hips, I will have no problem with babies one day.

See, my body was created to be a work of art! It was created to function for specific purposes! How cool is that?! God knit me together in my mother's womb with all my genetic make-up to be able to do the things I do everyday, well! Just as it's true for me, it's true for you.

I've walked through some difficult seasons with fighting who I am, punishing my body for being itself, and desiring so badly to look different. Not anymore.

I spend my time feeding my body GOOD food because I love it. I want to nourish it well. I spend my time appreciating the beauty in the mirror, because it can do so many athletic things others can't! I spend my moments enjoying who I am because it's what I've got and is perfectly imperfect!

Do you battle with yourself? Do you battle with your nutrition? Do you punish yourself in unhealthy ways?

Let me be a part of your recovery. As a fitness + nutrition coach, my goal is not to sell products as many might think. My goal is to restore relationships that have been unhealthy for days, weeks, or years. Relationships with yourself, food, and fitness. I want to join you on this journey because there is a road marked with redemption- we just need the support and tools to walk it. And if you have walked a similar journey to me, there is a spot on my team of coaches for you. Either one, please be bold, Email me today: sownwithstrength@gmail.com

The Left is me right when I returned home from China, the Right is me today focused on my health!





2 comments:

  1. Great testimony!! Thanks for having the courage to share. Jesus is all about restoration!

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    1. Thank you so much sister!! He sure is! Glory to him! Thank you for stopping by and supporting what God is doing in my life :)

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